By Salal Sexual Violence Support Centre, in collaboration with Good Night Out Vancouver,  Qmunity, AMS SASC, and HiM

When we talk about boundaries and harm prevention, it’s easy to focus on what not to do. But we’ve heard from the community that it can feel hard when people are constantly told what to avoid, without receiving tips on what to do. We love this feedback, so we asked our friends at Qmunity, UBC Sexual Assault Support Centre, and Health Initiative for Men to share their hot tips on how to flirt in ways that centre mutual consent, respect, and fun. Here’s what they had to say:

Flirting in Person

1. Make your approach known: Use body language to communicate your interest. Eye contact, a smile, or even a light wave can signal openness and invite a response.
2. Ask before giving a compliment: If you feel compelled to compliment someone, ask first. A simple, “May I give you a compliment?” sets a tone of consent. Get creative with compliments—think of something that could apply to anyone, regardless of gender, and avoid focusing on physical appearance. Complimenting someone’s style or vibe can go a long way!
3. Engage the group: If the person you’re interested in is with friends, include the whole group. Introduce yourself to everyone so it doesn’t feel like you’re monopolizing someone’s time or isolating them.
4. Keep it playful: At first, flirting should feel lighthearted and easygoing. Think of it like ping pong—wait for a response before sending something else their way.
5. Be original: Humor and unique conversation starters can be refreshing. Avoid relying on tired tropes or invasive comments about someone’s body. Authenticity always stands out.

Flirting Online or on Apps

1. Clarify intentions: When flirting online, start by asking what the other person is looking for. Setting a tone of mutual understanding is key to respectful communication. If you’re only looking for a casual connection, be up front in your profile. Misaligned expectations can lead to discomfort.
2. Assess the environment: Just like in person, consider whether the moment is appropriate for flirting. If someone is waiting at the bus stop with headphones on, they might not be open to interaction, and the same goes for online environments! Choose settings where there’s space for both people to engage comfortably.
3. Body language and cues: Even online, pacing and tone matter. Start conversations lightly and see if your vibe is being reciprocated. From there, gradually amp up the connection.
4. Consent for sexting: Before engaging in anything sexual online—whether it’s sexting or sending nude photos—always ask for consent. Not everyone is comfortable with this, and assuming otherwise can be harmful.

Storytelling and Curiosity

1. Share a personal story: Rather than making it feel like an interview, try telling a story about yourself. It’s a way to show vulnerability and see how the other person responds.
2. Ask curious questions: Genuine interest in where someone grew up or a fun fact they want to share can open up great conversations. Show that you’re interested in more than just surface-level interactions.

Queer and Trans Flirting Culture

Flirting in LGBTQ+ communities can sometimes carry added layers of complexity, especially when it comes to issues of privacy and safety.

1. Flirting in the closet: Many people can’t be openly out, and it’s important to respect that. In queer and trans communities, flirting has long been a private way of making connections, but it should always come with an understanding not to “out” anyone.
2. Cruising culture: For gay men and others, cruising refers to casual flirting in everyday settings. It doesn’t always lead to anything more, but it can be a fun way to acknowledge attraction. If you’re heading to a known cruising spot, consider going with a friend for safety or let someone know where you’ll be.

Accepting Rejection with Grace

Rejection is a natural part of flirting, and it doesn’t reflect on your worth. If someone isn’t interested, it’s valuable information—not a judgment of your character. Flirting is about making connections, and those connections should always be mutual. When someone isn’t interested, moving on respectfully is key.  

In the end, what we hope is that everyone involved in flirting is having a great time, getting all those good endorphins and not only feeling themselves but deeply aware of and in tune with the person or people they are flirting with. Consensual flirting is all about respecting boundaries and being aware of not only your needs but others while having fun. 

At Salal Sexual Violence Support Centre, we believe that healthy connections begin with clear communication and a genuine openness to both interest and rejection. By following the tips above from all our pals, we hope you’ll get to explore what to do to flirt, and find some ways that work to build connection, feel good about your vibe and also make those you’re flirting with feel hot, safe, and seen! Whether online, in person, or in the curated spaces that LGBTQ+ communities have built for themselves. Remember, everyone deserves to feel comfortable, valued, and safe in all types of connections. So go forth, flirt mindfully, and let mutual respect lead the way!